You could tirelessly lie about almost anything you want, if you’re the kind of person who would want that. You can’t lie about everything. You can’t lie about yourself. Lying to yourself about yourself is pretty demanding. It is quite hard to accept yourself perhaps because you’re so afraid of rejection that it comes to the point where you fear you might reject yourself.
Living the denial is quite the tragedy. It would be a fine experience indeed if we could simply sit with ourselves for a conversation. But not today, today isn’t the day for that conversation. You would prefer to go out and see how things would turn out to be no matter how terrible they might be.
You want to do and yet undo everything. It doesn’t matter if you wish to tear the past into bits and have no interest in picking up a fresh slate. No, none of that really matters now. You want to fix it all and yet you fear that you might make it worse for no fault of yours. Maybe it is mean’t to be like this. Maybe this is all that there is to a closure and some sort of solace. The mind is my play ground and right now the play ground is cold and deserted.
It is okay.
Go on, it is fine. You have never been yourself because you were a bit of everybody else a little too generously and none of them are here now. Breathe in, it is a bit of a struggle but it wont be so for long. Let it all out. The mind screams to break free of this tragedy and uncalled for misadventure or was it a mistake? You’re quite close and think that’s perhaps pointless to miss out on all the absurdity out there. After all there might be something to light up whatever little that’s left in you. Or better, there might be something to fix this and there could be something that you could fall back on. You painfully anticipate a little comfort. Go on, maybe its okay to wait after all… It is all the same in the end.